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Violent Femmes: Blister in the Sun

Band: Violent Femmes

Song: Blister in the Sun

This song has an uplifting beat and the singer has an ackwardly-amazing voice. You should listen to it today. Maybe it’ll make you feel better. 🙂

LYRICS

When I’m out walking I strut my stuff And I’m so strung out I’m high as a kite I just might stop to check you out Let me go on like I Blister in the sun Let me go on Big hands, I know you’re the one Body and beats, I stain my sheets I don’t even know why My girlfriend, she’s at the end, She is starting to cry Let me go on like I Blister in the sun Let me go on Big hands, I know you’re the one When I’m out walking I strut my stuff And I’m so strung out I’m high as a kite I just might stop to check you out When

I’m out walking I strut my stuff And I’m so strung out I’m high as a kite I just might stop to check you out Body and beats, I stain my sheets I don’t even know why My girlfriend, she’s at the end, She is starting to cry When I’m out walking I strut my stuff And I’m so strung out I’m high as a kite I just might stop to check you out Let me go on like I Blister in the sun Let me go on Big hands, I know you’re the one Songwriters: Gordon Gano

Uncategorized

Self-Esteem


I have low self esteem. I can be insecure. To me I don’t feel like I’m being needy. But the truth is I am. Lori Deschene writes about low self esteem in her article Confessions and Lessons From a Former Approval Addict “I’m dependent on reassurance. I ask for advice way too much. I look for validation as a crutch. I have to be more confident.” I feel for Lori. I have the same tendencies. But unlike Lori I’m unsure of why I’ve grown into that person. My question is how come I’m not fully aware what comes off as needy. I’m an insecure person. I can see how bluntness has harshly impacted my self-esteem. Scary circumstances have played out, thus I have grown accustomed to coping in certain needy manner. I’ll harshly critique my thoughts and actions. We may have gone through events which may have been out of our control. Thus leading people like myself to be sensitive and a little more needy than most.

Being aware of why, is just one aspect of the whole puzzle. What is truly important is said best by Lori Deschene as she writes “What matters is how I learned to tame the fears that once imprisoned me. Insecurity might not fully disappear—but it can be tamed. I Notice I wrote tame, not destroy. For some of us, the fearful thinking never fully goes away.”

First we can change our beliefs. You’ll want to identify a limiting belief- such as I’m not smart enough. I must then find evidence to support the opposite view.

Second, Challenging your thoughts.
It’s pretty likely you’ll get stuck in the same old thought patterns from time to time. It’s a process. remember to continue practicing your coping skill and CBT skills. Keep trying different combinations of coping until you find one that works for you. Pick up a CBT workbook and continue learning more techniques to help.

Third, we should slow our thoughts.
Lori Deschene describes different ways to tame your inner dialog. She says, “Take a little time every day to clear your thoughts, and it will be a lot easier to tame the fear-based voice that makes you feel bad about yourself. That shift in perception has helped me accept that you may or may not accept me.

I’ve come up with a list of mindfulness practices that help me find relief from my loud, persistent inner monologue. These are the ones I’ve found most effective:

●︎ Five minutes of traditional meditation or deep breathing

●︎ A five to 10 minute walk, focusing on my senses and the experience of being in nature

●︎ A yoga class or five to ten minutes of deep stretching, synced with my breath

●︎ Listening to music (on YouTube) with subliminal messages for confidence

●︎ A repetitive creative outlet, like crocheting

●︎ Anything that gets me into a state of flow, like dancing.“

To be honest. I struggle to meditate every day. I’ve decided I’m going to make more of an effort to use Headspace. It’s just so helpful and meditation makes me feel happier. So why not do it!!

https://advice.shinetext.com/articles/confessions-and-lessons-from-a-former-approval-addict/?utm_source=Shine&utm_medium=Twitter

depression, PTSD, Panic Attack's

Music & Periods Of My Life

I’m listening to music and this song just reminds me of my last relationship. I sometimes label songs and periods of my life. This is one of them.

Mumford and Sons

The Cave
Lyrics

It’s empty in the valley of your heart
The sun, it rises slowly as you walk
Away from all the fears and all the faults you’ve left behind

The harvest left no food for you to eat
You cannibal, you meat-eater, you see
But I have seen the same I know the shame in your defeat

I will hold on hope and I won’t let you choke
On the noose around your neck
And I’ll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I’ll know my name as it’s called again

‘Cause I have other things to fill my time
You take what is yours and I’ll take mine
Now let me at the truth, which will refresh my broken mind

So tie me to a post and block my ears
I can see widows and orphans through my tears
I know my call despite my faults and despite my growing fears

But I will hold on hope and I won’t let you choke
On the noose around your neck
And I’ll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I’ll know my name as it’s called again

So come out of your cave walking on your hands
And see the world hanging upside down
You can understand dependence when you know the maker’s heart

So make your siren’s call and sing all you want
I will not hear what you have to say
‘Cause I need freedom now and I need to know how
To live my life as it’s meant to be

And I will hold on hope and I won’t let you choke
On the noose around your neck
And I’ll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I’ll know my name as it’s called again

depression, PTSD, Panic Attack's

Part two: Anxious young Girl

My Mental Health has been a long difficult journey with majorly depressed states plus out of control emotions. At eighteen I realized I no longer wanted to sit in the pain that came with my depression. I felt life too deeply. I think I may be a highly sensitive person. It’s a diagnosis I try my best to cope with. Near the end of my senior year of high school I realized I needed help after a break up. I lost 20 pounds in a week. It all happened so quickly in such a short amount of time. I went from 120 pounds to 100 pounds. I started attending talk therapy.A couple years passed by. One day I was inside my parents house with my sister, my nephew and my mom. My sisters ex-boyfriend was hurt by my sisters attempt to break up. My sisters ex brought a can of gasoline into my parents home and started pouring gasoline over the furniture. Luckily we all made it out of the house before he lit it on fire. After the arson fire I had a melt down. I went into an intensive outpatient program. At this point I was taught you must work hard on your own mental health. Research the heck out of your illnesses. Be sure to try and understand DBT and CBT. Understanding why certain triggers occur is quite important. Kaiser taught me about meditation, mindfulness, and Radical Acceptance.Training was through Kaiser Permanentes Intensive Outpatient Trauma Therapy which lasted last one month. The month long therapy was amazing! Nothing can ever compare to real Trauma Therapy, I received. I was heartbroken when I had to leave. I was advised I could no longer see the trauma therapist. This broke me. From there I was tossed off to a random therapist who didn’t understand me or how to interact with someone who dissociative or has panic attacks. The a pcyotheraist had a way of understanding my perspective. She would kindly tell me when there was a different perspective I may find more helpful. Next I started treatment through Columbia River Mental Health. The biggest waste of a year in my life. I sat with a PTSD therapist. An hour a week. He didn’t really have much to say. I researched how to stop my triggers when I heard sirens. I’d just tell myself “they are helping someone.“ My therapist sat there smiling like it was his idea. Haha far from it. It’s been quite a few years and Im dealing with new triggers and feel a brush up is in order. I decided to attend Lifeline for the summer for their Mental Health Services. My therapy is going okay. I can tell. It’s hard for my therapist to connect with me. I attempt to attend two classes a week one on Mindfulness/Meditation/Trauma Art Therapy and the other class is Seeking Safety. I’m also learning there are quite a few types of therapy out there sometimes you must be very picky about who you choose to be your therapist. In summary life throws us some pretty shitty hands some times. It sucks, but we must just keep on pushing. Even if life does suck. Keep moving forward. We got this!

depression, PTSD, Panic Attack's

Feeling Anxiety… At a Young Age. 

I was a young girl attempting to understand my Mental Health. Before reaching my breaking point I experience the “Ward Weaver” incident. In 7th grade I was on my school’s dance team and we entered different competition around the area. At one of these competitions a team caught my eye, they moved flawlessly! Only days later I see on the news a high school girl named Miranda from an Oregon dance team had been abducted. Miranda had lived remotely close. I felt severely anxious, sad and traumatized. Being a highly sensitive person and unaware of this. I clenched onto the pain the girl must have been experiencing. Not wanting to let her go. At our next dance competition the Oregon team also came in support of the missing girl (Miranda). A few days pass and one more dance team girl dissappears. Both girls lived in the same apartment complex. My anxiety is high, off the charts even. I couldn’t sleep at night. My thoughts circle vigorously. I felt as if I was closer to the situation then In reality I really was. For instance. The emotional pain levels were maxed out as if I was getting negative painful vibes from the girls themselves or a close family or friends experiencing the emotional pain. The police investigated Ward Weaver who abducted both girls killed them slid them into wooden crates. Ward weaver dug a hole in his backyard and put a slab of cement over the area. I’d say this was my first time in my teen years to experience intense life changing anxiety.

It’s been a windey, out of control path. At 18 I realized I no longer wanted to live. I felt things too deeply. I need help after an emotional break up. I went from 120 pounds to 100 pounds in a week. I then started seeing a therapist and asking for help. My therapist wasn’t quite giving me clear answers; related to fixing my anxiety and depression.Thus I stopped going to her appointments. Talking therapy at that point in my life seemed pointless. A couple years passed by. I was inside my parents house with my sister, my nephew and my mom. My sisters exboyfriend was hurt by my sisters attempt to break up. Mike brought a can of  gasoline into my parents home pouring gasoline over the furniture and then at my feet. Luckily we all made it out of the house before he lit it on fire. After the arson fire I had a melt down. I thought no one could help me. I was placed in an intensive outpatient program. At this point I was taught you need to be working hard on your own mental health. Research the heck out of your illnesses. Be sure to try and understand DBT and CBT. Understanding why certain triggers occur is quite important. Kaiser taught me about meditation, mindfulness, and Radical Acceptance.Training was through Kaiser Permanentes Intensive Outpatient Trauma Therapy  which lasted last one month. The month long therapy was amazing! Nothing can ever compare to real Trauma Therapy I  received. I was heartbroken when I had to leave. I was advised I could no longer see the trauma therapist. This broke me. From there I was tossed off to a random therapist who didn’t understand me or how to interact with someone who dissociative or has panic attacks. The pcyotheraist had a way of filling my perspective upside down. It helped me see a more beautiful outcome of life.

I felt I could use a little extra help. Thus I started treatment through Columbia River Mental Health. The biggest waste of a year in my life. I sat with a PTSD therapist an hour a week. He didn’t really have much to say. I researched how to stop my triggers when I heard sirens. I’d just tell myself “they are helping someone “. My therapist sat there smiling like it was his idea. Haha far from it.  A few years later I have new trigger and feel a brush up is in order. I decided to attend Lifeline for the summer for their Mental Health Services. My therapy is going okay. I can tell it’s hard for my therapist to connect with me. I attempt to attend two classes a week one on Mindfulness/Meditation/Trauma Art Therapy and the other class is Seeking Safety. I’m also learning there are quite a few types of therapy out there sometimes you must be very picky about who you choose to be your therapist.    

depression, PTSD, Panic Attack's

Relationships Are Rough… 

I’m sad. My relationship went down in smoke. Haha. It was bound to happen. Maybe because I thought that way.  It made it inedible. I freaked out on my ex. I can be pretty crazy chick. Jordan has had to overlook my many obsessive habits, of texting way too much. Its embarrassing to say. I don’t understand why I have self esteem issues. I’m okay, a tiny bit pretty.  How come I have so many issues now with low self-esteem. Wow this is pretty personal stuff. I hope it can help people in some fashion. Relationships can be hard for me to manage. I try to bring up my relationship issues during therapy. But she ended up telling me I have traits of BPD. 

depression, PTSD, Panic Attack's

Coming soon… The Journey of Manic Adventures 

I’ll lead you through what Manic looked like through my eyes. Oddly when I met my ex he had no idea he was bipolar and I similarly had no idea either.  As time progress I saw certain bipolar symptoms. Almost simultaneously we discover that along with our current diagnosis Depression and PTSD we both are Bipolar as well.

….. Good stories to come