I must downsize what I have. It’s hard. I feel like a little child complaining about giving my things away. Unfortunately, emotionally it may be a struggle which leads to me jumping from one thing to another. My moms in the house. It has been a struggle communicating in a positive way with my mother. Perhaps I had a hard time talking . I decided to start asking her what funny thing or story has happen to you lately? Which allows us to stay positive and possible laugh once in a while. Instead of her mocking me because I failed a class or two. She’ll continue saying maybe your just not college material. Oh does that hurt to hear. I believe she thinks she’s being realistic and at times helpful in here ass backwards ways. Don’t get me wrong I had a good childhood. I was a pretty sheltered kid. My parents were always there. I’m talking about who she really is on a personal level. As well as … To be continued.
Since I got PTSD my anger spins out of control. I attempt to calm myself. I’m unsure how to stop myself from saying mean things when I feel deeply hurt. For instance when I get into fights with Jordan. I’ll get so mean I’ll tell him he’s a prick or asshole. The normal derogatory words I guess I use them. I just feel as if He takes me more serious and hurting a person who has Bipolar 2 and has PTSD my emotions go hay wire. I’m sure what is appropriate to do next. It really sucks. It baffles Jordan. Sometimes I get confused with everything. Words and concepts dont stick. I don’t remember things. I’ve always been terrible at remembering anything. Due to my dyslexia I believe.
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An incident that impacted my life in a positive way:
An incident that changed me for the better was learning going through intensive outpatient program that changed my life and ways at looking at thing. I went through DBT skills. At first I didn’t believe they could help me. I felt too far gone and messed up. I knew there was something wrong. But going to DBT classes as well as Seeking Safety. I miss Seeking Safety at Kaiser. It was so much more put together. I think I might try another doctors. Wow my mind is jumping from one issue then to another but they are crashing together all of them want to be first so I feel shaky and have burst of anxiety and energy. Its really odd.
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I dropped my phone that was the end of its little life. I’m so sad. Lately, cell phones and I haven’t been getting along.
I’m trying really hard to keep organized. Except my room is a big stye. I’m terrified of what is coming with school and moving. My parents are having me move out for the experience I suppose. Honestly they are telling me to move out because I had my ex over while they were at my grandparents. So my own fault. But who kicks out someone who struggles with as many mental health issues as myself. Really? But let’s put on some positive pants and keep moving throughout this day.
I’m starting school starting September, 25. I’m excited but frightened about taking psychology. I took it in high school and sadly I wasn’t too great at it. But now I’m going to school to be a Addiction Counselor. I’m pretty stoked.
My parents are doing a sink or swim thing on me. It’s as if they are holding above this high drop off and my dad tell me “just fly”. But my mind works a little slower. I’m just as smart as anyone else. It takes me a minute to gather the information to get into certain programs of my brain. I’ve learned this lately when I’m unable to think of good come backs or even answers for that matter.
This is how being bipolar 2 feels like. You don’t know what’s coming. It’s a Rollacoaster but how far will I drop? Will I be able to handle it like a mature adult or will I yell and scream. I hope not.
The hard truth about mental illness. It’s hard to fix yourself. I experienced panic attacks. I went through a few years where I had panic attacks regularly. You can’t stop the tingling in your fingers and feet. Your unable to change the fact that everything goes blurry. It’s hard to explain and have family who acts like they care but when explained to them what disassociating is they look at me like im crazy. They couldnt even comperhened the symptoms I use to face, daily. It’s hard to manage aspecially with unsupportive support. It’s funny my parents believe they are doing things to help me. Treat me like a person with mental health issues.
I do things the everyday person would see as weird or odd. I sit outside my work. It’s a safe spot for me. Often times I feel miss judged. It definitely hurts my feelings.
Sometimes I say forget it I’m not dealing with it today. And there in lies a problem with my self care.
You are a little different. And that’s okay.
Learning to cope will help you reduce attacks and even stop them all together. But as you know healing takes a tremendous amount of time. The medication can only bring you up so far.
I’ve found that when I’m in that low place I throw myself into my Mental Health. It helps ease the pain. For me I have a number of triggers and symptoms due to my bipolar 2, Anxiety, Panic Attacks and PTSD. You concur one trigger at a time you move on to the next one. It’s a little tough but it’s life and what I must do.