I have low self esteem. I can be insecure. To me I don’t feel like I’m being needy. But the truth is I am. Lori Deschene writes about low self esteem in her article Confessions and Lessons From a Former Approval Addict “I’m dependent on reassurance. I ask for advice way too much. I look for validation as a crutch. I have to be more confident.” I feel for Lori. I have the same tendencies. But unlike Lori I’m unsure of why I’ve grown into that person. My question is how come I’m not fully aware what comes off as needy. I’m an insecure person. I can see how bluntness has harshly impacted my self-esteem. Scary circumstances have played out, thus I have grown accustomed to coping in certain needy manner. I’ll harshly critique my thoughts and actions. We may have gone through events which may have been out of our control. Thus leading people like myself to be sensitive and a little more needy than most.
Being aware of why, is just one aspect of the whole puzzle. What is truly important is said best by Lori Deschene as she writes “What matters is how I learned to tame the fears that once imprisoned me. Insecurity might not fully disappear—but it can be tamed. I Notice I wrote tame, not destroy. For some of us, the fearful thinking never fully goes away.”
First we can change our beliefs. You’ll want to identify a limiting belief- such as I’m not smart enough. I must then find evidence to support the opposite view.
Second, Challenging your thoughts.
It’s pretty likely you’ll get stuck in the same old thought patterns from time to time. It’s a process. remember to continue practicing your coping skill and CBT skills. Keep trying different combinations of coping until you find one that works for you. Pick up a CBT workbook and continue learning more techniques to help.
Third, we should slow our thoughts.
Lori Deschene describes different ways to tame your inner dialog. She says, “Take a little time every day to clear your thoughts, and it will be a lot easier to tame the fear-based voice that makes you feel bad about yourself. That shift in perception has helped me accept that you may or may not accept me.
I’ve come up with a list of mindfulness practices that help me find relief from my loud, persistent inner monologue. These are the ones I’ve found most effective:
●︎ Five minutes of traditional meditation or deep breathing
●︎ A five to 10 minute walk, focusing on my senses and the experience of being in nature
●︎ A yoga class or five to ten minutes of deep stretching, synced with my breath
●︎ Listening to music (on YouTube) with subliminal messages for confidence
●︎ A repetitive creative outlet, like crocheting
●︎ Anything that gets me into a state of flow, like dancing.“
To be honest. I struggle to meditate every day. I’ve decided I’m going to make more of an effort to use Headspace. It’s just so helpful and meditation makes me feel happier. So why not do it!!