depression, PTSD, Panic Attack's

The Hard Truth About Mental Health

This is how being bipolar 2 feels like. You don’t know what’s coming. It’s a Rollacoaster but how far will I drop? Will I be able to handle it like a mature adult or will I yell and scream. I hope not. :/

The hard truth about mental illness. It’s hard to fix yourself. I experienced panic attacks. I went through a few years where I had panic attacks regularly. You can’t stop the tingling in your fingers and feet. Your unable to change the fact that everything goes blurry. It’s hard to explain and have family who acts like they care but when explained to them what disassociating is they look at me like I’m not telling them the truth. They couldnt even comperhened the symptoms I use to face, daily. It’s hard to manage aspecially with unsupportive support. It’s funny my parents believe they are doing things to help me. Maybe some things will help. But I’m different don’t treat me like a drug adict. One I am not. Treat me like a person with mental health issues.

I do things the everyday person would see as weird or odd. People often miss judge me as a drug adict. It hurts my feelings. I’m a 5’4 girl 110 pounds. And I swear I have to cover the black under my eyes constantly. It sucks. Sometimes I say forget it I’m not dealing with that today. And there in lies a problem with my self care. I get labeled different things.

You are a little different. And that’s okay.

Learning to cope will help you reduce attacks and even stop them all together. But as you know healing takes a tremendous amount of time. The medication can only bring you up so far.

I’ve found that when I’m in that low place I throw myself into my Mental Health. It helps ease the pain. For me I have a number of triggers and symptoms due to my bipolar 2, Anxiety, Panic Attacks and PTSD. You concur one trigger at a time you move on to the next one. It’s a little tough but it’s life and what I must do

depression, PTSD, Panic Attack's

Blunt and Very Raw

This is half of what has happened to me lately.

I’m codependent. I try to help my significant other to a point where I don’t take care of myself. Recently I fell into the whole of Codependency. It started off I was trying to make sure my homeless boyfriend had food. One day it was pouring down rain he had no place to go. My friend offered to give him a tent. Jordan said he hated being out there in the tent alone. Thus I started staying with him. Helping him with food from my ebt. Bringing him blankets, flashlights ect.

One night Jordan had had my phone for two days. He said he was applying to jobs ect. Thus I came and fell asleep in the tent. Only to be woken up at 1am. Jordan comes back to the tent with this lady who is all cracked out. They both tell me to get my stuff and go to my house. I thought this was stupid and uncalled for at this time of night. So I made a huge ruckus. I told him to go fuck himself. He continued to tell me to get out. This crazy older gal kept getting in my face… And oh boy I did not like that. I’m screaming get out of my face. Then Jordan decided to try and drag me out of the tent. I was screaming bloody murder. He helped me walk all my stuff to my house. But I was locked out. I forgot my key inside the house.

I walked to the gas station closest to my house. Byt I worked at this 76 for 3 ½ years. So customers know me the attendants know me and are a huge support in my life.

I walked up to 76. Bummed a cigarette from Randy the night shift guy. He tells me I have dirt on my face. I couldn’t stop crying. I had one of my old regulars drive up. She told me to get into her car and I could stay with her for the night. So she continued to tell me how she was abused by her ex and all she wanted to do was help me. We got to her house. Talked for a long time. I was about to go to sleep and her husband who I’ve met many times… Who’s always been very nice to me. He got irate and told her I must be a crackhead. But I don’t do that or anything like that. He came inside and started asking me what I was on. And yelling at me to stop lying. I started crying. Then I guess he was really upset I was there so I told her to just drop me off at home it would be alright. I’m so lucky my mom answered the door when I knocked. I just wanted to sleep

depression, PTSD, Panic Attack's

Anxiety and Conflict

When I get into a conflict and my emotions are triggered I partly freeze I can’t respond to that person right away. I must think through what was actually said. Believe me I want to respond. I have things to say! I can’t put my thoughts together in a circle of confusion. I hate it. Why am I so confused… Why can’t I put my words together. Sometimes I express how I’m feeling but it’ll come out wrong. Thus I react by yelling outburst. I’ve learned that my anger comes out side ways. It’ll come out in the wrong way. Such as yelling or using bad language. If I’m triggered I may yell loudly and aggressively. I wish I didn’t act like that. I would like to know the steps to stop. If I step back and think.

I’ve had bad anxiety lately. I feel like I’m gasping for air. It sucks when your at work and you keep breathing really heavy. You look a little odd. Anxiety can come in different forms. I’ve had a few. Such as a continuously long lasting ace ish maybe in the gut, the gasping for air and knotts in my stomach. Anxiety is all over my chest.

Anxiety comes in so many forms. Until you experience it. It may be difficult to understand fully. That’s okay though.

depression, PTSD, Panic Attack's

Depression, PTSD, Dyslexia: Memory

I forget things far to easily. I wish I was able to obtain and remember more. I’ve struggled remembering information since I was in the first grade. I had the hardest time learning to read. Thanks to my Dyslexia. I continously struggled on test. I would bomb test. But I’d always still manage to do projects well and homework so I would pass with As or Bs. I would of got straight A’s if I were able to obtain memory better.

Or an example from nowadays when your significant other asks you to get batteries and he reminds you every day; for three days. But you still forget those darn batteries.

What’s causing this bad memory? Depression could have a hand. Im diagnosed with Dyslexia Im very aware it plays a large role in memory loss. The use of marijuana may cause memory issues. PTSD may trigger me to forget. I talked to my psychiatrist and she’ll just blame it on the marijuana. It’s just so much more of a problem then that. I’ve had these memory issues my whole life.

Its like my own personal super power. Being able to forget things. It’s like erasing a memory completely.

depression, PTSD, Panic Attack's

This and That_Anxiety,

My post is going to be a little out there and scattered more less. I was picking at my nails today like crazy. Now they kinda hurt. It’s my anxiety I suppose. I’m jumping around from one subject to another in my head. Many things in my life may be half done because I’m afraid of failure. I don’t like failing. So my method of half doing something because I’m afraid I’ll fail.

It’s poring down rain in lovely Vancouver, Washington USA. But I’d still rather write outside in wilderness rather then be cooped up in a room.