Writen By *Shine* Taking Things Personaly

Remember: You are not personally responsible for everyone’s feelings, Jeannette.

“Are they mad at me?” You’re not alone if you’ve had that thought—but when you jump to conclusions, you might be causing stress and anxiety (and giving others more power than they deserve).

Today, take a moment to question the idea that you have to please *everyone.* Ask yourself: Is the effort to keep this person happy worth it?

How to Not Take Everything Personally

When was the last time you took something personally?

The feeling is unforgettable—at least it is for me. My face gets hot, I feel anxiety creep in as my heart starts pounding, and I often get flustered to the point of speechlessness.

It’s a feeling that’s so human, but every time it happens I’m never entirely sure what to do about it or why it’s happening.

Abigail Brenner, M.D., explains in a piece for Psychology Today that when we take things personally, “we are giving certain individuals more power over us than they deserve or should ever be allowed to have.”

Her definition helped me realize that what I’m feeling when I take things personally is often just that: a loss of power.

I’ve decided I’m not OK with that (and I’m guessing you feel the same way) so I scoured the Internet for ways to relieve some of that self-imposed pressure that comes when you take something personally.

Here’s what I learned:

Accept How You’re Feeling

If you find yourself taking things personally, it’s first important not to beat yourself up about it.

Practicing self-compassion means accepting the emotions that may accompany this feeling—emotions like embarrassment, anger, and the pressure to fix things.

Once you accept these feelings, you’ll be more equipped to work through all of them with a clearer head. It’s only human to experience the range of emotions that we have, and understanding that is a necessary step to putting self-acceptance into practice.

Don’t Jump To Conclusions

We love to tell ourselves stories to try and make sense of how we’re feeling or what we’re experiencing. And when we take things personally? We’re always the main problem in those stories.

I often find that automatically anticipating the worst is a sign of trying to protect myself. But when you’re always jumping to conclusions, it can impact your emotional and mental health.

One way to ease out of this habit is by taking a step back and examining the whole picture.

Have there been times in the past that you’ve wrongly jumped to conclusions and taken something personally when it wasn’t about you? Most times, Brenner says, it’s likely that someone else’s behavior is not about you.

“Maybe it’s not about you at all, but about (someone else) and their own projected perceptions,” Brenner writes. “In fact, it’s almost always about them, their issues, their needs, and their desire to control you and/or a situation.”

Think about those times and how your perspective was narrow, and try to keep that in mind if you’re jumping to conclusions.

Have there been times in the past that you’ve wrongly jumped to conclusions? Think about those times and how your perspective was narrow, and try to keep that in mind if you’re jumping to conclusions.Tweet

Practice Empathy

When you practice empathy, you’re putting yourself in someone else’s shoes and letting yourself consider all that factors that might influence what they’re saying or doing.

“Try to understand what the other person is feeling/thinking/trying to convey,” Brenner explains.

We all deal with things in different ways, and some may have coping mechanisms that aren’t always positive.

How can you challenge your assumptions and try to approach the situation from a place of understanding of these differences?

Sometimes taking this step back can ease your anxiety and give you a different viewpoint.

How can you challenge your assumptions and try to approach the situation from a place of understanding of these differences—or at least try to?Tweet

Go High, Not Low

When people say things that we might take personally, it’s easy to want to hit right back. But if this feeling comes over you, try remembering former First Lady Michelle Obama’s wise words: “When they go low, we go high.”

It’s a great mantra to remember to fight back with compassion and kindness if you feel comfortable doing so. But if it’s a situation in which you are in harms way, it may be time to adjust your relationship altogether.

“When they go low, we go high.” —Michelle ObamaTweet

“If it becomes clear that this person can’t respect you and your space and insists on creating a situation over and over again that’s meant to make you uncomfortable or feel badly about yourself, or to personally attack you, devalue and belittle you, and constantly attempt to bait you, you need to rethink the relationship,” Brenner explains.

You may need to give yourself time to examine your emotions before responding, and that’s OK too. Ask yourself: Is the effort to keep this person happy worth it? Do I want to keep giving my power away to them?

Don’t forget: It’s your right to ask for clarity if things feel personal, and you get to decide how to respond or take action once you hear from that other person.

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Martha Tesema
Martha Tesema is a Content Strategist at Shine based in Brooklyn, NY. She previously was a culture writer for Mashable, and is a big fan of books, breakfast burritos and the Pacific Northwest.
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What is an empath?

By: Christel Broederlow

What is an empath?

Being an empath is when you are affected by other people’s energies, and have an innate ability to intuitively feel and perceive others. Your life is unconsciously influenced by others’ desires, wishes, thoughts, and moods. Being an empath is much more than being highly sensitive and it’s not just limited to emotions. Empaths can perceive physical sensitivities and spiritual urges, as well as just knowing the motivations and intentions of other people. You either are an empath or you aren’t. It’s not a trait that is learned. You are always open, so to speak, to process other people’s feelings and energy, which means that you really feel, and in many cases take on the emotions of others. Many empaths experience things like chronic fatigue, environmental sensitivities, or unexplained aches and pains daily. These are all things that are more likely to be contributed to outside influences and not so much yourself at all. Essentially you are walking around in this world with all of the accumulated karma, emotions, and energy from others.

Empaths are often quiet achievers. They can take a while to handle a compliment for they’re more inclined to point out another’s positive attributes. They are highly expressive in all areas of emotional connection, and talk openly, and, at times quite frankly. They may have few problems talking about their feelings if another cares to listen (regardless of how much they listen to others).

However, they can be the exact opposite: reclusive and apparently unresponsive at the best of times. They may even appear ignorant. Some are very good at “blocking out” others and that’s not always a bad thing, at least for the learning empath struggling with a barrage of emotions from others, as well as their own feelings.

Empaths have a tendency to openly feel what is outside of them more so than what is inside of them. This can cause empaths to ignore their own needs. In general an empath is non-violent, non-aggressive and leans more towards being the peacemaker. Any area filled with disharmony creates an uncomfortable feeling in an empath. If they find themselves in the middle of a confrontation, they will endeavor to settle the situation as quickly as possible, if not avoid it all together. If any harsh words are expressed in defending themselves, they will likely resent their lack of self-control, and have a preference to peacefully resolve the problem quickly.

Empaths are more inclined to pick up another’s feelings and project it back without realizing its origin in the first place. Talking things out is a major factor in releasing emotions in the learning empath. Empaths can develop an even stronger degree of understanding so that they can find peace in most situations. The downside is that empaths may bottle up emotions and build barriers sky-high so as to not let others know of their innermost thoughts and/or feelings. This withholding of emotional expression can be a direct result of a traumatic experience, an expressionless upbringing, or simply being told as a child, “Children are meant to be seen and not heard!”

Without a doubt, this emotional withholding can be detrimental to one’s health, for the longer one’s thoughts and/or emotions aren’t released, the more power they build. The thoughts and/or emotions can eventually becoming explosive, if not crippling. The need to express oneself honestly is a form of healing and a choice open to all. To not do so can result in a breakdown of the person and result in mental/emotional instability or the creation of a physical ailment, illness or disease.

Empaths are sensitive to TV, videos, movies, news and broadcasts. Violence or emotional dramas depicting shocking scenes of physical or emotional pain inflicted on adults, children or animals can bring an empath easily to tears. At times, they may feel physically ill or choke back the tears. Some empaths will struggle to comprehend any such cruelty, and may have grave difficulty in expressing themselves in the face of another’s ignorance, closed-mindedness and obvious lack of compassion. They simply cannot justify the suffering they feel and see.

You will find empaths working with people, animals or nature with a true passion and dedication to help them. They are often tireless teachers and/or caretakers for our environment and all within it. Many volunteers are empathic and give up personal time to help others without pay and/or recognition.

Empaths may be excellent storytellers due to an endless imagination, inquisitive minds and ever-expanding knowledge. They can be old romantics at heart and very gentle. They may also be the “keepers” of ancestral knowledge and family history. If not the obvious family historians, they may be the ones who listen to the stories passed down and possess the majority of the family history. Not surprisingly, they may have started or possess a family tree.

They have a broad interest in music to suit their many expressive temperaments, and others can query how empaths can listen to one style of music, and within minutes, change to something entirely different. Lyrics within a song can have adverse, powerful effects on empaths, especially if it is relevant to a recent experience. In these moments, it is advisable for empaths to listen to music without lyrics, to avoid playing havoc with their emotions!

They are just as expressive with body language as with words, thoughts, and feelings. Their creativity is often expressed through dance, acting, and bodily movements. Empaths can project an incredible amount of energy portraying and/or releasing emotion. Empaths can become lost in the music, to the point of being in a trance-like state; they become one with the music through the expression of their physical bodies. They describe this feeling as a time when all else around them is almost non-existent.

People of all walks of life and animals are attracted to the warmth and genuine compassion of empaths. Regardless of whether others are aware of one being empathic, people are drawn to them as a metal object is to a magnet!

Even complete strangers find it easy to talk to empaths about the most personal things, and before they know it, they have poured out their hearts and souls without intending to do so consciously. It is as though on a sub-conscious level that person knows instinctively that empaths would listen with compassionate understanding. Then again, for empaths, it is always nice to actually be heard themselves!

Here are the listeners of life. They can be outgoing, bubbly, enthusiastic and a joy to be in the presence of, as well as highly humorous at the most unusual moments! On the flip side, empaths can be weighted with mood swings that will have others around them want to jump overboard and abandon ship! The thoughts and feelings empaths receive from any and all in their life can be so overwhelming (if not understood) that their moods can fluctuate with lightning speed. One moment they may be delightfully happy and with a flick of the switch, miserable.

Abandoning an empath in the throes of alternating moods can create detrimental effects. A simple return of empathic love–listening and caring compassionately without bias, judgment and/or condemnation–can go an incredibly long way to an empath’s instant recovery. Many empaths don’t understand what is occurring within them. They literally have no idea that another person’s emotions are now felt, as one’s own and reflected outwardly. They are confused as to how one moment all was well, and then the next, they feel so depressed, alone, etc. The need to understand the possibilities of empath connection is a vital part of the empaths journey for themselves and for those around them.

Empaths are often problem solvers, thinkers, and studiers of many things. As far as empaths are concerned, where a problem is, so too is the answer. They often will search until they find one – if only for peace of mind. This can certainly prove beneficial for others in their relationships, in the workplace, or on the home front. Where there is a will, there is a way and the empath will find it. The empath can literally (likely without the knowledge of what’s actually occurring) tap into Universal Knowledge and be receptive to guidance in solving anything they put their head and hearts into.

Empaths often are vivid and/or lucid dreamers. They can dream in detail and are inquisitive of dream content. Often they feel as though the dreams are linked to their physical life somehow, and not just a mumble of nonsensical, irrelevant, meaningless images. This curiosity will lead many empathic dreamers to unravel some of the “mysterious” dream contents from an early age and connect the interpretation to its relevance in their physical life. If not, they may be led to dream interpretations through other means.

Empaths are daydreamers with difficulty keeping focused on the mundane. If life isn’t stimulating, off an empath will go into a detached state of mind. They will go somewhere, anywhere, in a thought that appears detached from the physical reality, yet is alive and active for they really are off and away. If a tutor is lecturing with little to no emotional input, empaths will not be receptive to such teaching and can (unintentionally) drift into a state of daydreaming.

Give the empath student the tutor who speaks with stimuli and emotion (through actual experience of any given subject) and the empath is receptively alert. Empaths are a captivated audience. This same principle applies in acting. An actor will either captivate the audience through expressing (in all aspects) emotions (as though they really did experience the role they are portraying) or will loose them entirely. Empaths make outstanding actors.

Empaths frequently experience déjà vu and synchronicities. What may initially start as, “Oh, what a coincidence”, will lead to the understanding of synchronicities as an aspect of who they are. These synchronicities will become a welcomed and continually expanding occurrence. As an understanding of self grows, the synchronicities become more fluent and free flowing. The synchronicities can promote a feeling of euphoria as empaths identify with them and appreciate the connection to their empathic nature.

Empaths are most likely to have had varying paranormal experiences throughout their lives. NDE’s (Near death experiences) and or OBE’s (Out of body experiences) can catapult an unaware empath into the awakening period and provide the momentum for a journey of discovery. Those who get caught up in life, in society’s often dictating ways, in work etc., can become lost in a mechanical way of living that provides very little meaning. All “signs of guidance” are ignored to shift out of this state of “doing”. A path to being whole again becomes evident and a search for more meaning in one’s life begins.

These types of experiences appear dramatic, can be life-altering indeed, and are most assuredly just as intensely memorable in years to come. They are the voice of guidance encouraging us to pursue our journey in awareness. Sometimes, some of us require that extra assistance!

For some empaths, the lack of outside understanding towards paranormal events they experience, may lead to suppressing such abilities. (Most of these abilities are very natural and not a coincidence.) Empaths may unknowingly adopt the positive or negative attitude of others as their own. (This, however, can be overcome.) Empaths may need to follow interests in the paranormal and the unexplained with curiosity so as to explain and accept their life circumstances.

Here are 30 of the most common traits:

1. Knowing: Empaths just know stuff, without being told. It’s a knowing that goes way beyond intuition or gut feelings, even though that is how many would describe the knowing. The more attuned they are the stronger this gift becomes.

2. Being in public places can be overwhelming: Places like shopping malls, supermarkets or stadiums where there are lots of people around can fill the empath with turbulently vexed emotions that are coming from others.

3. Feeling others emotions and taking them on as your own: This is a huge one for empaths. To some they will feel emotions off those near by and with others they will feel emotions from those a vast distance away, or both. The more adept empath will know if someone is having bad thoughts about them, even from great distance.

4. Watching violence, cruelty or tragedy on the TV is unbearable: The more attuned an empath becomes the worse it is and may make it so they eventually have to stop watching TV and reading newspapers altogether.

5. You know when someone is not being honest: If a friend or a loved one is telling you lies you know it (although many empaths try not to focus on this because knowing a loved one is lying can be painful). Or if someone is saying one thing but feeling/thinking another, you know.

6. Picking up physical symptoms off another: An empath will almost always develop the ailments off another (colds, eye infections, body aches and pains) especially those they’re closest to, somewhat like sympathy pains.

7. Digestive disorders and lower back problems: The solar plexus chakra is based in the centre of the abdomen and it’s known as the seat of emotions. This is where empaths feel the incoming emotion of another, which can weaken the area and eventually lead to anything from stomach ulcers to IBS (too many other conditions to list here). Lower back problems can develop from being ungrounded (amongst other things) and one, who has no knowledge of them being an empath, will almost always be ungrounded.

8. Always looking out for the underdog: Anyone whose suffering, in emotional pain or being bullied draws an empath’s attention and compassion.

9. Others will want to offload their problems on you, even strangers: An empath can become a dumping ground for everyone else’s issues and problems, which, if they’re not careful can end up as their own.

10. Constant fatigue: Empaths often get drained of energy, either from energy vampires or just taking on too much from others, which even sleep will not cure. Many get diagnosed with ME.

11. Addictive personality: Alcohol, drugs, sex, are to name but a few addictions that empaths turn to, to block out the emotions of others. It is a form of self protection in order to hide from someone or something.

12. Drawn to healing, holistic therapies and all things metaphysical: Although many empaths would love to heal others they can end up turning away from being healers (even though they have a natural ability for it), after they’ve studied and qualified, because they take on too much from the one they are trying to heal. Especially if they are unaware of their empathy. Anything of a supernatural nature is of interest to empaths and they don’t surprise or get shocked easily. Even at the revelation of what many others would consider unthinkable, for example, empaths would have known the world was round when others believed it was flat.

13. Creative: From singing, dancing, acting, drawing or writing an empath will have a strong creative streak and a vivid imagination.

14. Love of nature and animals: Being outdoors in nature is a must for empaths and pets are an essential part of their life.

15. Need for solitude: An empath will go stir-crazy if they don’t get quiet time. This is even obvious in empathic children.

16. Gets bored or distracted easily if not stimulated: Work, school and home life has to be kept interesting for an empath or they switch off from it and end up daydreaming or doodling.

17. Finds it impossible to do things they don’t enjoy: As above. Feels like they are living a lie by doing so. To force an empath to do something they dislike through guilt or labelling them as idle will only serve in making them unhappy. It’s for this reason many empaths get labelled as being lazy.

18. Strives for the truth: This becomes more prevalent when an empath discovers his/her gifts and birthright. Anything untruthful feels plain wrong.

19. Always looking for the answers and knowledge: To have unanswered questions can be frustrating for an empath and they will endeavour to find an explanation. If they have a knowing about something they will look for confirmation. The downside to this is an information overload.

20. Likes adventure, freedom and travel: Empaths are free spirits.

21. Abhors clutter: It makes an empath feel weighed down and blocks the flow of energy.

22. Loves to daydream: An empath can stare into space for hours, in a world of their own and blissfully happy.

23. Finds routine, rules or control, imprisoning: Anything that takes away their freedom is debilitating to an empath even poisoning.

24. Prone to carry weight without necessarily overeating: The excess weight is a form of protection to stop the negative incoming energies having as much impact.

25. Excellent listener: An empath won’t talk about themselves much unless it’s to someone they really trust. They love to learn and know about others and genuinely care.

26. Intolerance to narcissism: Although kind and often very tolerant of others, empaths do not like to be around overly egotistical people, who put themselves first and refuse to consider another’s feelings or points of view other than their own.

27. The ability to feel the days of the week: An empath will get the ‘Friday Feeling’ if they work Fridays or not. They pick up on how the collective are feeling. The first couple of days of a long, bank holiday weekend (Easter for example) can feel, to them, like the world is smiling, calm and relaxed. Sunday evenings, Mondays and Tuesdays, of a working week, have a very heavy feeling.

28. Will not choose to buy antiques, vintage or second-hand: Anything that’s been pre-owned carries the energy of the previous owner. An empath will even prefer to have a brand new car or house (if they are in the financial situation to do so) with no residual energy.

29. Sense the energy of food: Many empaths don’t like to eat meat or poultry because they can feel the vibrations of the animal (especially if the animal suffered), even if they like the taste.

30. Can appear moody, shy, aloof, disconnected: Depending on how an empath is feeling will depend on what face they show to the world. They can be prone to mood swings and if they’ve taken on too much negative will appear quiet and unsociable, even miserable. An empath detests having to pretend to be happy when they’re sad, this only adds to their load (makes working in the service industry, when it’s service with a smile, very challenging) and can make them feel like scuttling under a stone.

If you can say yes to most or all of the above then you are most definitely an empath.

Empaths are having a particularly difficult time at the present time, picking up on all the negative emotions that are being emanated.

Source: http://themindunleashed.org/2013/10/30-traits-of-empath.html


*SHINE* Intrinsic Motivation

You’re showing up to this week for a reason, Jeannette. Name what pushes you forward.

Fun fact: When we seek motivation from within ourselves instead of from others, our goals are more achievable. 🏆

Today, tap into your intrinsic motivation with some self-reflection. Try taking a moment to remind yourself what you’re working for—it could be a person you’re supporting, a value, etc. Ask yourself: Why is this goal so exciting to me?


Bipolar 2 hypomania…

I haven’t been posting because I want to geniunely be stable when I’m here giving any type of advise. I didn’t want to be negative.

At the moment I’m struggling with hypomania and sexual urges. They are intense. And I don’t even care. It’s like a dream kinda. I’ve been doing things I would never do. The urges are hard to fight when I get them out of no where. I can’t sleep. Hypomania is like a rush of certain emotions.

Ill right something about hypomania.

depression, PTSD, Panic Attack's

Supporting Others. Learning about DBT!

A Note to another Blogger

Hello, my name is Jeannette I’m 31. I’ve been diagnosed with Bipolar 2, Anxiety, BPD and Hardcore Depression. muhahah I know that feeling. Just start thinking about how you can take care of yourself. Do it little by little and things you enjoy. Make a list of things you really actually like doing. I have to take it in baby steps. It’s hard and some days I just can’t get out of bed. and guess what I believe is that it is okay. You are doing just fine. Much love and good vibes in your direction. Please feel free to contact me my email is Jeannettewhalen77@gmail.com or find me on Facebook Jeannette N. Whalen. 🙂 Anyone who reads this and is struggling, please send me a message. It’s all about trying to feel better and finding peace within ourselves.

Dialectical Behavioral Therapy

From: WebMD Medical Reference Reviewed by Smitha Bhandari, MD on February 21, 2018
DBT was initially designed to treat people with suicidal behavior and borderline personality disorder. But it has been adapted for other mental health problems that threaten a person’s safety, relationships, work, and emotional well-being.

What’s Unique About Dialectical Behavioral Therapy?

The term “dialectical” comes from the idea that bringing together two opposites in therapy — acceptance and change — brings better results than either one alone.
A unique aspect of DBT is its focus on acceptance of a patient’s experience as a way for therapists to reassure them — and balance the work needed to change negative behaviors.

depression, PTSD, Panic Attack's

*SHINE* 🏆 Congrats on your failure this week, Jeannette! Check out your intentions?

🏆 Congrats on your failure this week, Jeannette! Nope, not a typo—each misstep helps you level up. Why it’s *good* to celebrate yours.Want to learn more or check your intention?Failure isn’t fun—but it happens to all of us (yup, even really important people). The key isn’t avoiding failure, but learning how to *roll with it.*Today, think of a time you slipped up this week. Start by asking yourself: What would I have done differently if I were to try again? Reflecting on the lesson you learned will prepare you for the future.

depression, PTSD, Panic Attack's

*Shine* Mindfulness

⏰ That toe-tapping-in-line moment? It isn’t a waste of time, Jeannette—it’s a chance for mindfulness. Turn mundane time into me time.

Want to learn more or check your intention?

Boredom isn’t all bad. When we seize slow moments, our best ideas can appear—and research shows we’re more productive in the long run.

Today, embrace the humdrum of your day by intentionally seeking it. Find a moment in your day to sit quietly (Ex. turn off the music in your headphones). Take in everything around you or pay extra attention to your breaths. 😌